[Written/Audio/Action] Transmission 004 - In Which Vastra's Carpet Is Ruined

[eversohungry]

[Backdated to the morning of June 4th.]

[Written]

I am afraid that a rather unfortunate accident has occurred in Community Housing 1 on the first floor. My carpet caught fire last night, as well as a few other things inside my rooms. I apologize for the smell of smoke, but I assure you it was entirely necessary at the time. Today I will be removing the offending articles and I sincerely hope that will do something for the smell. Until then I can only ask for your understanding.


[Audio]

[The recording comes a scant few seconds after the notice about the carpet. Vastra's tone is certainly annoyed and clipped.]

And while I did set my own carpet on fire, it was the product of an extremely ill-spirited joke that was inflicted on me last night. The details of which are unimportant save for this: something must be done about Loki. He remains under the influence of a spirit and I can only reason that the level of his 'pranks' will most likely escalate and could very easily get someone killed.

But I am almost certain this cannot be accomplished by only myself. If you are a friend of his, he needs help that is most likely beyond my ability alone. I will be at home, Community Housing 1, first floor, number four, if discussion must be conducted in person.


[Action]

[While waiting for responses, Vastra is setting to cleaning out her apartment of everything that was burned. Rugs, an endtable, a small sofa... everything is being assembled in a small pile to go outside the housing building. But she's almost certain the stink is never going to leave.]

[At least she's still alive, despite the severity of the situation. It could have gone in a very different direction--and Vastra can't help but wonder if Loki would have put a stop to it if her life had been in more serious danger. She sighs and puts the pointless question to the back of her mind and continues working.]

Comments

[Voice]

[eversohungry]

...My floor was covered in virulent, aggressive leeches and more were coming in the windows. Would you have preferred I had escaped and done nothing to deter them? So they could invade the entire floor?

[Which they would have, if they had been at all real.]

[Voice]

[originaljackass]

Leeches? What the hell do you do in your apartment? I've lived in places with roaches before, and not by choice mind you, but I ain't ever been that messy before.

[Voice]

[eversohungry]

Well they were not in my apartment by choice either. Someone who is still possessed put them there. Via... [Ugh, this word.] Magic. I awoke in the middle of the night and they were everywhere.

I would never, ever keep those disgusting creatures in my living space.

[Voice]

[originaljackass]

Goddamn magic. [That is all Jack needed to hear to sorta-kinda sympathize.] Well good job getting rid of them.

[Voice]

[eversohungry]

They weren't even physically there, though. It was an illusion. [She sighs harshly. This subject is getting her riled up again.] So truly, I was attempting to act for the good of the residents however I only succeeded in destroying my carpet and some of my furniture, potentially endangering the building, and I may have to move out of this room if I can't get the smell out.

[Voice]

[originaljackass]

[And in a remarkably stunning move of sheer stupidity, Jack forgets he has a lizard woman on his floor. He just remembers that there is an incredibly hot woman living next door that he's already spent some time with and that this is probably some equally hot babe ripe for seduction. This is what he gets for failing to use the video option.

So he makes his move.]

Illusions can be a real pain. I've seen more than my fair few. But I tell ya what. Seeing as you were acting for the good of the floor? I got a spare room you can call your own until the Suits see fit to reset your apartment.

[Voice]

[eversohungry]

[And not just any lizard woman--a married, lesbian lizard woman.]

[Who is too exhausted and uninterested to pick up on the fact that she might be the target of said seduction. She takes a moment to consider it.]

I do appreciate the offer, though I have so many personal things in here. I wouldn't want to impose myself on your hospitality in addition to all of my clothes and photographs and curiosities.

[Voice]

[originaljackass]

Fair enough. But you change your mind? I'm always happy to share.

[Voice]

[eversohungry]

[She considers for a moment, sighing heavily.]

How long do you suppose it will be before they realize I've made a mess? Days? Or weeks?

[Voice]

[originaljackass]

With them? Hell if I know. They could be listening in right now and decide to put it on hold out of sheer dickery.

[Voice]

[eversohungry]

[Vastra groans and sighs irritatedly. She doesn't want to live in a hole that smells of blackened synthetic fiber and burned hair. Her first thought is to contact Natasha, however Vastra seems to recall that she had left for a time to stretch her legs. Or she was going to leave... Vastra can't remember and frankly, doesn't want to inconvenience her amidst any preparations.]

Perhaps if I could find a place for my things I could stay mostly out of the way in your spare room.

[Voice]

[originaljackass]

There you are. I'll be glad to help. Just let me know where things ought to go.

[It's a good chance to show off his impressive super strength. Chicks dig super strength.]

[Voice]

[eversohungry]

Well... perhaps Natasha wouldn't mind if I set a few things in the back of the coffee shop. I'll pack my trunks.

[Trunks plural. She has a lot of fabulous dresses, okay okay.]

[Voice]

[originaljackass]

Let me know when the heavy lifting begins. I'll get it done in no time.

[Voice]

[eversohungry]

Oh? Are you particularly strong, then?

[Voice]

[originaljackass]

I'm as strong as an ox, babe. Stronger, even.

[Voice]

[eversohungry]

...Vastra, please. [That term of endearment is completely unwarranted, and makes Vastra's skin crawl a little. Though she's starting to get the feeling that this man's 'kind offer' isn't entirely the act of a good Samaritan. But no one else seems to have come to her aid, so...] I'll let you know when I am prepared, Mr....?

[Voice]

[originaljackass]

Jack Horner. I'll be waiting.

[Voice]

[eversohungry]

[A FEW HOURS LATER...]

[Vastra has packed three trunks with clothes, photos, keepsakes, and curios-- anything she wouldn't want the Malnosso touching or moving and so on. She picks up her journal and contacts Jack.]

I believe I am prepared for the heavy-lifting portion of the afternoon, Mr. Horner.

[Voice]

[originaljackass]

[Jack doesn't get back until about ten minutes after her message went out. He got distracted by a very engaging game of solitaire. A man has to pass his time somehow.]

Ready and willing, Vastra. Where do I need to be?

[Voice]

[eversohungry]

Number Four. I've packed one with some necessary things to stay, and the other two can be stored at the cafe. We can each carry one and make it in one trip.

[Voice > Action]

[originaljackass]

You got it. Be right there.

[On the trip there, it occurred to him that this number should mean something to him. But all the same, he boldly proceeded to her door, gave it a knock, and stood outside looking absolutely gorgeous. Without even trying.]

[Action]

[eversohungry]

[Vastra closed her journal as the knock came, thinking to herself that he got there fairly quickly. Perhaps they wouldn't have to drag anything up too many flights of stairs, then.]

[She went to the door and opened it.] Mr. Horner, I presume?

[Action]

[originaljackass]

"In the fle--- shhh---"

The word 'shit' mercifully never passed his lips, but Jack was left to stare a bit as he realized his terrible misfortune on so boldly hitting on the dinosaur woman from his floor. That hideous sense of recognition hit him all at once and he felt like kicking himself. But he knew better than to do that. He just realized this was not going to be nearly as enjoyable as he hoped.

If only she'd been around when he'd been a dragon...

"Miss Vastra. Nice to meet you, face to face. Finally."

[Action]

[eversohungry]

Vastra managed to keep her polite-but-neutral expression for about three seconds--and then there was a small, slight movement and one of the corners of her mouth turned up in a smirk. Surprise, Mr. Ramper. This particular sort of entertainment was something Vastra dearly missed from home.

"A pleasure to see you, Mr. Horner. Please, come in," she said, pulling the door open further. "I would apologize for the state of the place but, well, you already know plenty about it."